The last Letter to A

3rd of January 2020

Hi A

This will be the last letter for you. I had thought that I had a few more months to give you. But I have come to the conclusion that waiting for you isn’t helping any of us.

I called you right after midnight on New Years Eve, my first phone call of the new decade. And you couldn’t pick up. And that’s ok, I understand, you don’t need to explain or apologise or anything. It’s ok. You couldn’t pick up. You did what was right for you and I will always ask you to do that. But it hurt and I felt so lonely. You wrote to me the next morning, telling me you had felt touched that I had called and that it had meaning for you. And that didn’t erase my hurt. All I could feel was hurt. And you being moved by my reaching out doesn’t make a dent in that pain. So I have to stop hurting myself. I have to stop thinking that if I pour enough love and care and kindness into the world that my own pain and loneliness will lift. I have to stop pouring so much of my attention, worry and care into people who doesn’t have anything to give back. It doesn’t leave me feeling better, it leaves me feeling empty.

A, I really care about you. And that doesn’t stop. I am still here. I won’t not pick up the phone if you call. But I need to be more careful about my attention and where I spend my energy. And if I have to get back to writing I have to stop writing to someone who won’t read it. Because when we talked about this it was with the idea that you’d write back some day. And right now I cannot wait for some day. I need to find something worth writing for that isn’t depended on you. Because it’s not your responsibility to give me something to write for. You have other and far more important things you are working on. Because your life is full of other things. You are fighting battles that need your full attention.

I think there is a good probability you’ll never read this. And that is ok. I just need to write it anyway. I spend so much time not asking for what I need, because none of the people in my life have that to give. And in the spirit of the new year and the new decade I think it’s time I stop being sad about the things the people in my life cannot give me. Instead I am going to try to find new people who might need what I have to give and who might have some of what I need to give. I won’t replace anyone. I’ll just take some of all the empty space in my life and try to find good and meaningful ways to fill it up again. I have to fight my way out of this depression. And no doctor, no medication and no amount of waiting for something outside myself is going to make that fight any easier. I am mostly on my own in this. The doctors and professionals have given up. That is a luxury I do not have.

I have so much to give. So much I want to share. It isn’t just that I feel empty because I don’t get anything back. And a part of my current pain is that I try to give and give and give. But you are not in a place to receive or accept. There isn’t room in your life for all the good I want to give. And that’s ok. That’s life, that’s bad timing. And I have no resentment or bad feelings towards you. I just have a big sadness and loneliness that I am going to take responsibility for.

I don’t know how to do that. The depression is still not better. I am not really the best version of myself yet. And building new friendships takes work. Work I am willing to do, but not sure I am able to.

Most of all I am not sure how to write anything for next week. I am not sure what this blog will be if it isn’t letters. And I am not sure how to write if I am not writing to someone. Someone not me. But I have a week to figure it out.

I have so much work to do. Figuring out how to fix my depression, finding and making friends, finding new ways to write letters, boundaries are also a big thing I absolutely need to work on and I have to read more. A lot more. The new year starts out busy.

I hope this year starts out good for you. I hope this year is a year full of growth and that it gets so much better. I hope it’s a year of not just listening to ourselves but action on what we hear when we do.

A, I have so much love and care for you. I am your friend and consider you my friend. I am here for you. Like I have always been. I am still full of hope for you and know that you have great things ahead of you. I know you deserve good things and a good life. You deserve kindness and care, and I hope to be a source of that in your life. But till you are ready I am going to take a step back and take a little better care of myself, and try not to get so hurt by things that isn’t hurtful. And till I have mastered that I’ll have patience with myself and allow myself to be vulnerable and sensitive and know that there are far worse things to be. I am stronger than this. Or at least strong enough to be vulnerable and sensitive, kind and caring. I just have to be a little more careful how I spend it and where my expectations lie.

Take good care of yourself A