Letter about a sadness I am not ready to express

26th of January 2020

Hi there reader. If you’re out there.

I wanted to write something to day. But the words won’t flow. Maybe I am too sad. Maybe I just know the words I need to write are not words that show my best side. Maybe I need time to sit with these feelings on my own for a while.

What I do want to write is that things around me put my life and my (lack of) accomplishments in a new focus and I am sad. Not because of what my life is or isn’t. But because I feel like what it is, is something that no one but me will celebrate and appreciate and care about. And I think I am allowed to grief for not being able to share my joys, my milestones, my life event, my accomplishements. I have these things, and I can celebrate them. But I guess I just realised that no one else will share in that joy and celebration, for the one reason that these things look so different to me than they do to most other people. And therefore other people will not think them great or worth of celebration. And that is ok. I do not need them to. But I will allow myself to feel sad about it for a little while.

I am ahead of my reading. I finished both “Northern Lights” and the sequel “The Subtle Knife” before this post was due. And that allows me to start “The Amber Spyglass” now. I love being back in this world. I love reading about Lyra’s journey and look so much forward to all the heart breaking things to come in the next book.

I wanted to write about dæmons and how much that idea mean to me. I wanted to write. I really tried to write Friday as that is my deadline. But there was too many other things. And today the words won’t do what I want. And I think I have to accept that that’s it for today. Hopefully I can do better next week. It’s too early to give up writing these letters.

It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay that I am what I am, even if no one understands. It’s okay to feel lonely and wish for someone to care about the important things in my life. I’ll get to the place where I can be alone in this and not feel lonely. I just have to give it time, and time I’ve got. And patience. I am sad but hopeful. And there are worse places to leave this letter.

If anyone is out there, reading, thank you for your time. Thank you for staying with me in my sadness. I hope you too allow yourself room for hard feelings that might not seem fair or right, but are human and real and honest none the less. Allowing room for them often gives room for them to drift away and not take up space in us any more.