And hope did what hope does. It finds a way back, it returns, it lives again. Big words only hours after the resurrection. So unexpected and out of nowhere. Yet here it is. I’ll try to protect it and nurture it. The way you protect a candle flame in the wind, so worried it’ll just blow out again.
21st of February 2020
I do not have anything to say about this unexpected introduction. I am afraid of holding too much of it to the light. I am too scared of what will happen to me if this doesn’t find a way to grow into something reliable. So for now no more will shared here about it. I’ll let whoever reads this know what happens when I am ready.
I’ve been trying to embrace my intuition lately. Without knowing anything about how to do that or what exactly it is I am trying to do. But I guess the thing I have been doing is listening to the things inside me that I do not know where comes from. The things that do not feel like things I myself have created or called forward. And there is the strangest thought in my head that feels like that thought of thing. Except I do not think it can be. The thought itself feels like something that is true and real and not something I think because I want it to be true. It feels like it was given to me. Which probably makes no sense to say. But the thing about this thought is that when I look at it it doesn’t feel like something that would be given to me.
Context: most of my friends are having a really, really hard time. To the degree that I genuinely worry if some of them will survive. And others are in and out of bad times and not really an actual part of my life (even thought I do hold a permanent space for them) because they need to take care of themselves. I care about these people. I want to help them. And I know I have an saviour complex that sometimes like to take over. I am working on that. And by working on that I mean I am actively trying to minimise the time and energy I spend trying to save other people. I have actively taken a step away from that and am more aware than ever of the amount of emotional labour I do.
And then this thought came. And it feels like the things I try to listen to in my intuition. And it doesn’t feel like the saviour complex rearing its head. It feels true and real and beautiful and right. And all it says is “I have to guide them out”.
In some ways (with a lot of my friends, not all of them) I am two steps ahead. Not in every way, not at every point. But in finding the way out, in finding the way to a better way of living, that doesn’t hurt so much, that allows us to breath. There I sometimes find myself two steps ahead. And I was given those two steps (or took them) very early in life. It’s like I was given a gift of being who I am, which in my case includes being someone who will not compromise who I am or try to be someone else. And that gave me those two steps. Or gave me the ability to take them.
Sometimes I feel like I see the world in a way no one else does. Which is a stupid thing to feel, because no two people see the world exactly the same. But it’s like the lens I see the world through is so different from the ones the people around me have. I don’t know if it’s the autism, it doesn’t seem like just an autism thing. But I see things, sense things, feel things differently.
It’s like I don’t see the thing in front of me but the thing right behind it. As in I see intentions and causes instead of what is happening. And I don’t know if I always did or if I learned it. But I know that is how I see it. It has taken me a long time to understand that other people do not see the world like this. Or see people like this. I think it’s mostly people I refer to in this instance. I don’t feel like I have the words to describe this at all.
My best example of this is that when someone is angry I don’t really see their aggression or their rage. I don’t think of it as an attack. Not even if it’s directed at me. I only see the hurt and pain or fear behind the anger. It’s like the anger isn’t even there. And I still remember my confusion and surprise when I discovered that other people don’t respond to other peoples’ anger the way I do. They feel attacked and focus on the aggression. But all I see is what is behind it.
I don’t really know what I want to say with any of this. The words pouring out through my fingers are a surprise to me. Both the subject matter and the ease with which they flow. All I know is that that thought has been stuck in my mind, and I do not know if I should trust it. It feels like something I should trust. But it sounds like something my saviour complex would say. If it wasn’t for that deep and overwhelming feeling that this comes from somewhere else I would just have rejected it. But I can’t do that. Not with that feeling.
I have no conclusion. No anything really. I just needed to write something today and these were the words wanting to leave me. I do not expect that I am making sense and today that is ok.
I hope whoever and wherever you are that you are ok. Whether things makes sense or not. Learning to be ok in all the things that doesn’t make sense is really difficult. For me today is just that kind of day. I had a really good day at work. That might just be the thing that makes the difference. I wish good things for you and thank you for your time.